


Beads

by DreamingKate



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, M/M, Religion, christian!Blaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 11:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1896804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingKate/pseuds/DreamingKate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine always found the church comforting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beads

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Hey… Could you maybe write Christian!Blaine questioning his sexuality? You don’t have to but I guess I’d like to see a story where Blaine believes in God. Idk… Thanks <3
> 
> Prompt: Christian!Blaine always took Philippians 2:3-4 too far.”Think of others as better than yourself” is not meant to be taken so literally, they insisted. It’s in the Bible, he always responded. It was what God said, and God was just, right? That Christian!Blaine prompt is actually pretty personal. I’m a Christian and while I never took it really far I did go through a year or two of depression and my mom thought it was because I was trying too hard to follow the Bible and be selfless

The church was beautiful.

He had gone to the same church his entire life and found great comfort in the lines of pews and stained glass. The candles lit at the front filled the room with the smell of melting wax. 

The large crucifix held his gaze and he traced over every line. Jesus’s head was bowed, eyes closed and face peaceful. As a child, the image terrified him. He had refused to go anywhere near it, scared senseless by the idea of people being nailed to wood. 

Then, his mother had walked him close to the crucifix and held him tight. She told him that Jesus had chosen to be killed in order to save everyone else. He loved his people so much that he would die for them. She had kissed him on the cheek and said that selfless was the best thing he could be. Put people ahead of you, help others, and you were a good person.

It was why Philippians 2:3-4 struck a chord in him.  _Think of others as better than yourself._  

Certainly, he had his struggles with his faith. When he questioned his sexuality, he tried desperately to pray for God to make him right. It wasn’t until he whispered his thoughts during confession, tearful and terrified, that he finally came to terms with it.

“I understand this is a struggle,” the priest had said softly. “You must be in pain my son and that saddens me. It is true that the bible says that lying with another man is a sin but it also says that cutting your beard and eating shellfish is a sin. Many of us believe that certain parts of the bible are more…outdated. This is for you to decide though. Whatever you choose, you are welcome in this church. You may face cruel words and hatred but remember James 4:11-12. ‘Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges a brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?’. I have no right to judge you for what you choose. I only hope to teach you to love the way God would want us to.”

The struggle had continued even though the priest had told him that there was far more written in the bible about love than homosexuality. Then he had met Kurt and doubt was washed from his mind. How could love like this be a sin? 

_Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love._

Moving to McKinley had been a test in itself. At Dalton he had been part of a group, every single person was essential to the success of the team. Sure, he was head of the Warblers and they did have a bad habit of worshiping him a little but he was just part of the team. When he had moved to McKinley he had expected things to go the same way and they didn’t. Where the Warblers had moved together as a unit but here everyone scrambled desperately for the top.

Finn had shut him down, calling him out for showboating and Blaine’s heart had tightened with panic. He was just doing what he used to…did he think he was better than others? So, he had stopped trying for solos and just tried to get along with everyone else. Of course, that led to Finn blaming him of trying to take control of the group. 

All he wanted to do was help. He didn’t want to snap and push Sam; he didn’t want to shout at Finn. They were right to knock him down a peg. 

“You seem upset Blaine,” he glanced up from his rosary and smiled slightly at Father Lawrence. “What’s on your mind?”

“Just…stupid stuff,” he felt his cheeks heat up and stared down at the beads in his hands. 

“That is a beautiful set of rosary beads,” the father sat down next to him and Blaine nodded, tracing fingers over the worn wooden beads.

“It was my grandfather’s,” he said softly. “He had it during World War Two in the Philippines and gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday.”

“I’m going to guess that you didn’t come here to just say the rosary a few times. There must be something on your mind,” the father looked at him over his glasses and Blaine sighed. 

“I’ve come to peace with my being gay,” he whispered, glancing up to see a nod. “I love my boyfriend more than anything. He’s my world and I want to marry him.”

“I’m glad you found someone special,” Father Lawrence’s warm voice made him smile again. “But that’s not why you came here.”

“We’re supposed to be selfless right?” Blaine blurted out. 

“Putting others ahead of us is a wonderful trait,” he nodded and waited for Blaine to sort through his thoughts.

“But what if it makes you unhappy? I try so hard to put others first. I try to make people happy and…I feel like I’m failing. I feel miserable because…I can’t be entirely selfless,” he rubbed across his face. “I feel guilty for wanting things more than other people. I actually read for a role that my boyfriend wanted because I wanted it to. I love him and I wanted it.”

“Being selfless makes you unhappy?” 

“No…ugh, this is hard to explain. If you always put people ahead of yourself…how do you not just always end up last?” Blaine sighed and his shoulders curled in a little. 

“Well, when you do things for other people how do you feel?” He asked kindly.

“Exhausted,” tears pricked at Blaine’s eyes. “Like people are taking advantage of me. Like…I can’t go for what I want. Then I feel guilty for wanting those things in the first place.” 

“Blaine, you are a good young man. You love God and you have an incredible gift. Your music brings a smile to everyone to hears us,” he smiled gently and Blaine blushed. “You can’t hide that gift just because others may want what you to. The bible tells us to put others ahead of ourselves, you’re right in that. However, I’m thinking that you don’t love yourself like you try to love others.”

“I’m not supposed to.”

“Aren’t you one of God’s creatures?” Father Lawrence asked and Blaine nodded slightly. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You’re certainly helping others and loving others. You need to show the same amount of love for yourself. God gave you many gifts: music, leadership, and kindness. By hiding these gifts to help others, you are not using them. God gave you these gifts for a reason.”

Blaine nodded, throat tight. “I just want to help people.”

“You can help yourself too,” the father patted his back. “I’ll leave you here. Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thank you father,” Blaine smiled up at him, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. 

Going after what he wanted wasn’t a sin. He deserved to get these things and he worked hard for them. There was a difference between being selfless and being a doormat. He would find that line. 

He deserved to love himself. 


End file.
